If Columbo were Investigating Obama …

Obama, I mean Senator Obama, sir, Um . . . know you are busy and important and stuff. I mean running for president is very important and . . . ah . . I hate to bother you. I will only take a minute ok, sir?

See, I have these missing pieces that are holding me up, and I was wondering sir, if you could take time out of your busy schedule to help me out. You know, no big deal, just some loose ends and things.

Hey, you have a nice place here! The wife sees houses like this on TV all the time and says boy she wishes she had digs like this you know? Is that painting real? Really? Wow! I saw something like that in a museum once!

Oh, sorry sir. I didn’t mean to get off the track. So if you could just help me out a minute and give me some details, I will get right out of your way. I want to close this case and maybe take the wife to Coney Island or something. Ever been to Coney Island ? No, I didn’t think so. . .

Well, listen, I can’t seem to get some information I need to wrap this up. These things seem to either be “locked” or “not available.” I’m sure it’s just some oversight or glitch or something, so if you could tell me where these things are . . . I . . . I . . . have them written down here somewhere . . . oh wait. Sorry about the smears.  It was raining out, I’ll just read it to you. Could you help me please find these things, sir?

1. Occidental College records ——- Not released 
2. Columbia College records ——– Not released
3. Columbia Thesis paper ———- “Not available”
4. Harvard College records ——— Not released
5. Selective Service Registration —– Not released
6. Medical records ————— Not released
7. Illinois State Senate schedule —– “Not available”
8. Law practice client list ———- Not released
9. Certified Copy of original Birth certificate — Not released
10. Embossed, signed paper Certification of Live Birth — Not released
11. Harvard Law Review articles published — None
12. University of Chicago scholarly articles — None
13. Your Record of baptism———- Not released or “not available”
14. Your Illinois State Senate records–”Not available”

Oh hey listen! I know you are busy! Is this too much for you now? I mean tell you what, I will come back tomorrow. Give you some time to get these things together, you know. I mean, I know you are busy, so I will just let myself out. I will be back tomorrow.

“Who wants to know these things,” asked Senator Obama?

THE PEOPLE!